Time for an update. I was recently talking to a friend who said from the outside looking in, it would seem like my life is pretty perfect. This was a huge surprise to me, because I really feel like I’ve had a turbulent month and I thought that would be more obvious! My sobriety has given me the opportunity to grow and learn how to handle life, but that does not mean my life is now easy.
When I wrote my blog last week about fears, I was writing it because I have been trapped in my own cycle of fear. I find my blog posts reflect where I am at that time, and I use them as a form of therapy to see how I really feel. I have always said one of the most important parts of my writing is that I am always honest with what I am sharing. I want to be real, and I want people to know that it’s okay to not be okay. At times, I feel vulnerable about sharing so much of myself publicly, but I’ve received a lot of feedback. People have told me how my writing has helped them, or how it’s relatable to their own lives. That’s how I know what I am doing is worth it.
Anyways, back to where I am at now. Lately I have been feeling a bit lost in terms of what the trajectory of my life looks like. I have said this before, but one of my biggest issues is worrying about the future and letting it consume me. I find it difficult to just ride the wave and not try to control everything in front of me. After having a conversation with a friend last night, I realized something. I think I always knew this, but I am my own worst enemy. I have fear about what will unfold in my future, but dwelling in this fear is stopping me from moving forward in any direction at all. I feel paralyzed by making decisions for my future, which is keeping me stuck in this cycle. For the last few weeks, I have been in this bizarre headspace that has really been bringing me down. On top of all this, I have a brain that tells me the solution is to just have a drink so I can forget about everything.
I am not sharing this to get sympathy. I am sharing this because A: I get clarity when I write about my feelings. B: I know there are people who can understand this feeling, and C: sharing your emotions is a strength, not a weakness.
It can be really scary when things get tough in life and you have an alcoholic/addict brain that tells you everything will be fine if you use. I am more than a year and a half sober, and these thoughts still creep into my mind. But now, when these thoughts come, I actually have the tools to suppress them!! That is a miracle to me. Through working a program and staying connected to my spirituality, I can choose to not drink when life gets hard. That’s something I never thought I would be able to do, but here I am. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be sober for this long, happy, AND writing a blog, I would have laughed and walked to the bar.
I have learned that when you get sober, your problems don't just go away. I thought that it was going to be easy, but it’s not. Although life still has its challenges, I have learned how to get through these hard times in a positive way. I can cope and push through without creating chaos in my life and being self-destructive. For this, I am truly grateful.
Life can be confusing and scary, but that’s what life is supposed to be! What I do now is try to help as many people as I can, and I have to realize that my wants in life are not always going to be what is right. But still, I always try to make the decision to do the next right thing.
Happiness is fleeting. So is anger, fear, depression and anxiety. It is so important to remember this in times of hardship. I like to think of the saying, "this too shall pass." Life is such a wild ride, so just stay true to yourself and good things will come!