I have a MASSIVE issue with not being able to do the things I don't want to do. I often wonder if it is because I am a millennial, (which is such an excuse,) or if it just so deeply ingrained in me to always just do what I want.
I will explain this a bit. I don't mean that I am always acting selfishly, only doing things that I enjoy. I mean when it comes down to me versus my crazy brain telling me what to do, I often do not win. I find I have a serious problem with the devil and angel on my shoulder. One part of me wants to go out, tackle the world head on and be a fearless bad ass woman but on the other hand, I have the part that says, you should just procrastinate and live in a bubble so you will never get hurt.
If I have learned anything over the last two years, it is that my mind isn't always my best friend. Almost every day, every time I need to make a decision that will ultimately better myself, I have so much trouble making the right choice. It is this insane combination of fear and being stuck in my comfort zone. At this very time in my life, this is NOT something I have conquered and I am still desperately searching for the answer to my problem.
I have people who say to me, "Just shake it off! Force yourself to do something you don't want to do, you'll feel better." To those people, I say, "I KNOW!! I just don't know how to break the cycle!"(PS. if anyone has tips on this please help a girl out!)
All I know is what I have going for me, which is my self-awareness. I know what I am doing and I believe this is the first step to making any positive change in your life. I can get so angry and I feel like lately, it has been a lot worse. The key, for me at least, is taking a step back and reflecting on my behaviour. Yes, I am f*cking frustrated BUT instead of being so hard on myself, I will say that I need to dig deeper, figure out WHY I am stopping myself from doing things that will help me.
Self-growth is something that takes time. I often think by now I should be perfect and my life should be exactly how I want it to. The truth is, this won't happen and it never will. THAT IS OKAY.
The life I used to dream of is so far from where I am now and thank God it is! The universe has this amazing way of giving you gifts that you never thought you wanted or needed. By being grateful and open you may actually be able to see these things.
All I know is I am damn far from where I started out on my path to recovery. I may not have everything nailed down but I am proud of where I am now. Instead of beating myself up for my "flaws," I celebrate my journey! I live life to the fullest and surround myself with love.
Today, take the time to celebrate YOU and all the wonderful things that you have done. Shake off the bullshit, take a deep breathe and love yourself.