It is hard to know where to start in terms of sharing with my journey with all of you. There are so many things that have happened in the last year and a half of my sobriety, I wish that I had started this sooner but I simply wasn't ready. In an AA meeting, if I were to do this as a speaker would, I am supposed to start with what happened, how I got sober, and what it is like now. Now, I feel like with my personal story with addiction I am not ready to share a few things that happened just because it's still too hard. I think that many people that I have met in the program have been through similar things. Life got hard and the only way to numb the pain was to not be sober. I have a problem with dealing with my own emotions and I found what I thought was a solution. When I was younger, I would shop and had other self-harm ways of coping. As I got older I drank and eventually did drugs. There was always something there to give me that rush that told me, "everything is going to be okay." My negative behaviour started to get worse when I went to university. Food started to become an addiction for me and I gained 40 pounds within my first 2 1/2 months of being in school. I would stay in my residence, never leave and eat. I was coping with suppressed emotions I didn't know were there. Whenever alcohol was involved I was never someone who could have just one. Whether it was a night out or a dinner party, one or two drinks didn't do it for me. If I was in a social situation where having more then that wasn't appropriate I would be filled with anxiety wondering how I could keep drinking. So, I basically lived the next 6 years of my life this way. Everything always had to be in extremes and one was never enough. The craziest part was that I actually thought everyone else felt the same way that I did. I couldn't and still don't to this day understand how anyone could enjoy just one drink (this is what my addict mind tells me.) As I got older, this escalated for me into drugs. Drinking was no longer enough for me so I eventually tried cocaine. As a child I always said and probably did until the day I tried it that I would never do drugs. Then one day out of boredom and curiosity I had the opportunity to do it. I was scared but also exhilarated. As soon as I tried it I knew I had found my new love. Very quickly, my number one priority became partying and going out. It took over my life and I didn't even know it. I was a bad friend, a bad girlfriend, and a bad child to my parents. I became manipulative, I was so selfish and I was a liar. I was living in delusion, I truly thought I was a good person. I had no idea until I went to treatment all the harm I had caused. I could go into detail of all crazy things that happened but I feel like there is no point. I have closed that chapter of my life and made amends to the people I have harmed. One thing I hold very close to me is that I truly believe everything happens for a reason. There are some people that are no longer in my life but I know that it is okay. There is a path that I am on and I can accept whatever comes my way. How I used to live, there was no happy ending for me, but now I choose to always try to do the next right thing which for me is staying sober one day at a time. The rest will just fall into place.
My life is truly blessed now. I have incredible friends, my parents are my best friends and I have a wonderful partner. Getting sober has been the hardest but the most fantastic thing I have ever done. I can see my future now. I have built a life thats foundation is based on love, respect and kindness to others and also to myself. I am proud of who I am and of my journey. I am not ashamed of my past because it made me who I am today. Recovery is possible to anyone who truly wants it. Being sober is hard, but the pain I felt drinking and using was even harder. Not every day is easy, I still get triggered, I experience sadness and anger but I can handle it now. I know that I am a strong woman who can stay sober in times of uncertainty. Life is too short for all the bullshit that comes along with it. There is no recipe for a good life but if you are a caring, honest and thoughtful person I believe that you will attract the right things.
Anyways, I hope this shed a bit of light into my back story and who I am now. There is so much more I can say and I will but at another time. For now, I am just grateful to be sober and to be ending this week on a positive note. I am so thrilled I have a chance to spread happiness and hopefully some hope into others! Sobriety is SO amazing and this is the only way I could ever life my life. I hope everyone has a great weekend!