Rebuilding Your Soul

Who am I? How do I define myself? What do I see when I look in the mirror?

These three questions are some of the hardest you can ask yourself. It is easy to trick your mind into believing certain things but if you are truly honest, what do you see? 

For a long time, I struggled to find my place in life. I didn't have any strong passions and in terms of finding a career path, I was lost. On top of this, I was numbing any emotions I had with drugs and alcohol. It was nearly impossible to answer the question, "who am I?” 

It took a lot of vulnerability and transparency to start piecing myself together. No one wants to have that conversation with themselves that basically admits to being lost in life. I lived in a delusional mindset where I believed that nothing was wrong with my behaviour. For years, I would do little spouts of therapy and try to put a band-aid on my issues but I never got to the root of the problem. 

At the end of the day, it took me hitting a low bottom to realize that I needed to change my life. I swear, if my life didn’t start blowing up in my face I would have never gotten the help I needed. It is funny how sometimes the most devastating events in your life can actually propel you into leading a genuinely happy life. As hard as it was, it forced me to grow and see beyond the surface level of myself. I got to dig deep, feel all my pain, and eventually let go.

I knew, if I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and love who I was, it was going to need to make a drastic change in the way I was living. This was a change I never thought I was going to make but it was the change that gave me a second chance at life. It allowed me to rebuild literally every fibre of my being and give my life meaning. I don’t miss my old life because that person who used to run the show is no longer there. The demons that haunted me have been lifted from my soul and I am free from my pain.

There are days that are still hard, life is not perfect, but I know how to manage my emotions in a healthy way now. Figuring out your place in this world and what makes you, you is one of life’s greatest gifts. You just need to see it as that. Instead of being angry at life for what it has given you, take the first step and BE the change in your life. Make the first move to finding your beautiful soul, I don’t believe anyone could ever regret making this commitment to themselves. 

Life is a wild journey. Embrace it for what it is, faults and all so you can live in a way that allows your soul to shine through. 

xo

 

 

 

Sharing Your Light!

Spreading positivity and hope has always been my goal. I see so much hate in the world and because of this I have made it my mission to share my light as much as I can. Getting sober not only ended my relationship with alcohol and substances but it also gave me a chance to restart my life in a meaningful way. I want to show that you can do this too. 

I used to be proud of the person I was. I thought going out, partying and getting f*cked up was "cool," which gave me the ability to define myself as this. I had such a skewed idea of what was important in life and I placed little meaning on what really mattered. The light inside of my heart used to be dark and would thrive in toxic situations. Now, my heart is full of hope for the future, gratitude and kindness for the people around me. 

Deciding to break my anonymity on my journey through sobriety was a tough choice. I knew there would be tons of people who would question my decision and think it would have negative long-term effects on how people perceived me. I decided that I did not care. My desire to be open and honest trumped any feeling of needing to keep what I was going through a secret. If someone didn't want to know me or hire me because of this I knew it wasn't meant to be. I knew that I was taking a risk, but I believe it is a risk that saved my life. 

I, nor anyone else struggling with addiction should feel shame around this disease. Over the years, there has been a terrible stigma towards the type of person that is affected by this. They are classified as weak, selfish people with no self-control. I want to show the world that this is NOT true. We are survivors who have overcome serious adversity in our lives. No one chooses to be an alcoholic/addict, I certainly did not but you push through the challenges and make the best of whatever situation you are in. This is what I did and will continue to do for the rest of my life.

I never thought in a million years that this would be my role. Sharing my experience and try to help others with their own battles has been humbling. There is pain and suffering from this disease but there can be an end. I have seen first hand what a life of dedicated sobriety can do to a person. To see that light come back inside of someone is one of the most beautiful things. 

If you truly commit to yourself that you want to change your life, you 100% can. That willingness will propel you into a self-transformation that can redefine your meaning of life. That is what sobriety did for me and it can do that for anyone else.

I am by no means saying the solution to happiness in sobriety is to break your anonymity. For me, it provided me with an outlet and a community of people that support me and hold me accountable. Beyond this, I am happy in my sobriety because I now have a new, wonderful life that I never thought I deserved. Now, I know that I am worthy of this amazing life and I work every day to try to give back as much as I can. 

I constatnly get to meet people in recovery and learn from their journeys. Some of the most incredible and strong people I have met in my life are sober. These are ride or die kind of folks who would do anything for you. The bond I share with my friends in recovery is indescribable. All I know is that I am their for them as they are their for me, no matter what.

I believe if you can get sober, that this is just only the beginning of a better life. There are so many gifts that come along with opening up your heart to the light of the world and anyone can have them. If you get there, pass along your inspiration. You have an opportunity to make the world a better place, something that a lot of people will never get to have. Be grateful that you have the strength to do so and share your light!! 

Being The Master Of Your Mind

I honestly believe being positive is an action word. To be positive is something that you need to work on and be constantly aware of. Bringing forward great change in your life is something you must strive to do. It won't happen unless you make it happen. 

Before I got sober, my life was filled with turmoil. I couldn't make a good decision if it hit me over the head. I was constantly behaving selfishly and irrationally which led to so much negativity in my life. My relationships were always inconsistent, I could never show up properly for friends and family, it was utter chaos. 

When I was in treatment, I remember having this lightbulb moment where I realized how f*cked up my behaviour was. How much harm and damage I caused to the people I loved was unacceptable and from that moment forward I promised myself to never be the same. I realized that this was a make or break moment in my life and I needed to step up to be the woman I always knew I could be. 

Becoming this person has taken pain, honesty, and a lot of self-reflection. Being honest with yourself seems like it will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but forgiving yourself is even harder. My road to self-discovery has been riddled with serious highs and lows, mistakes and hurt but every time I get through to the other side of a difficult time, I know I have grown. 

Every day, I work towards being a positive person. I find that positivity may not be a natural tendency for most people, so awareness is key. If I wake up in the morning and think, "I am going to take action today to be positive," I will most likely do this! I need to reframe my thoughts and be the master of my own mind, not the other way around. 

Not letting your mind control you is key. I often have racing thoughts, feeling like I am not in control. It is important to learn tools that will help you balance out what is real and what is not. I have learned this tool called the worry box. When I have a thought that is negative or is obsessive, I tell myself this is not the time to think about it, as I have allocated 20 minutes later in the day to think about these things. I put the thoughts in a box and save it for later. Instead of pushing away negative feelings, never acknowledging them, I actually allow myself the time to think about them but in a healthy, structured environment. This way I feel like I am in control on my thoughts and can focus more on positivity.

There are so many ways to start being the master of your mind. It takes time and you must be patient but change will happen. Self-awareness and self-reflection are often the gateways to a more happy and successful life. Humility and gratitude are the answers. Be the person you have always wanted to be and inspire change within yourself!

 

 

F*CK Being You, I'm ME!

How many times a day do you go on Instagram or any social media platform, stare at a bunch of beautiful, successful people and think, "WHY is that not me?!" I probably do this for at least 2 hours a day. THAT IS INSANE

My conception of reality has been so skewed lately. I see one thing and I think, "How do I get that exact photo, how do I write like this person, how do I connect with people like this person does?!" I am letting my brain be infiltrated by negativity because of how I think I should be, instead of just being myself. 

Since April 7, 2016, I have decided to live an open and honest life. My sobriety has taken me down a path where I feel that it is my purpose to share my experience. I have always wanted to inspire others and hopefully show that life sober is a life filled with meaning. By sharing my experiences, I share the most vulnerable pieces of myself. This has made what I share unique at times but also makes me feel exposed. I am okay with this feeling because I know what I write about is helping people. Through writing and Instagram, I feel connected to the community and I love what it has done for my life. Unfortunately, the controlling part of me is embracing it maybe a little too much and it is starting to affect me in a harmful way. 

Back to where I am now. Being in the blogger/Instagram/even life game is hard. It is filled with pictures and writers who are people you aspire to be. It is great to have idols that you look up to but for me personally, I feel like it has become unhealthy. My partner tells me all the time to delete Instagram because of how I allow it to make me feel. 

I have decided that for my own sanity, that I need to reframe my thoughts. I feel like I let myself slip into this thinking and I need to work myself out of it.

My goal has always been and will forever be to share positivity, hope, kindness, and self-love. I never want what I share or write to be tainted by my insecurities of wanting to be like someone else. In a world where everyone wants to look the same, feel the same or be the same, be the person that stands the fuck out! Take charge of your own individuality and rock it!

I am going to stop comparing myself to the world and be my crazy, weird, over-sharing, wild self, with a love of helping others till the day I die. I am going to embrace my place in life and remind myself constantly how proud I am of getting this far. 

Find your own path, you may not think it looks perfect on the outside, but it is perfectly made for you! OWN IT. 

xo

 

 

THE RIGHT THING TO DO VS. WHAT I WANT TO DO

I have a MASSIVE issue with not being able to do the things I don't want to do. I often wonder if it is because I am a millennial, (which is such an excuse,) or if it just so deeply ingrained in me to always just do what I want.

I will explain this a bit. I don't mean that I am always acting selfishly, only doing things that I enjoy. I mean when it comes down to me versus my crazy brain telling me what to do, I often do not win. I find I have a serious problem with the devil and angel on my shoulder. One part of me wants to go out, tackle the world head on and be a fearless bad ass woman but on the other hand, I have the part that says, you should just procrastinate and live in a bubble so you will never get hurt. 

If I have learned anything over the last two years, it is that my mind isn't always my best friend. Almost every day, every time I need to make a decision that will ultimately better myself, I have so much trouble making the right choice. It is this insane combination of fear and being stuck in my comfort zone. At this very time in my life, this is NOT something I have conquered and I am still desperately searching for the answer to my problem. 

I have people who say to me, "Just shake it off! Force yourself to do something you don't want to do, you'll feel better." To those people, I say, "I KNOW!! I just don't know how to break the cycle!"(PS. if anyone has tips on this please help a girl out!)

All I know is what I have going for me, which is my self-awareness. I know what I am doing and I believe this is the first step to making any positive change in your life. I can get so angry and I feel like lately, it has been a lot worse. The key, for me at least, is taking a step back and reflecting on my behaviour. Yes, I am f*cking frustrated BUT instead of being so hard on myself, I will say that I need to dig deeper, figure out WHY I am stopping myself from doing things that will help me. 

Self-growth is something that takes time. I often think by now I should be perfect and my life should be exactly how I want it to. The truth is, this won't happen and it never will. THAT IS OKAY.

The life I used to dream of is so far from where I am now and thank God it is! The universe has this amazing way of giving you gifts that you never thought you wanted or needed. By being grateful and open you may actually be able to see these things. 

All I know is I am damn far from where I started out on my path to recovery. I may not have everything nailed down but I am proud of where I am now. Instead of beating myself up for my "flaws," I celebrate my journey! I live life to the fullest and surround myself with love. 

Today, take the time to celebrate YOU and all the wonderful things that you have done. Shake off the bullshit, take a deep breathe and love yourself. 

 

What It Was Like.

When I went to treatment, I had no idea that when I came back I would be planning on living the rest of my life in sobriety. I thought I had a drug problem and never considered myself an alcoholic. I knew that I drank a lot but I always compared myself to people who had the same drinking patterns as me, justifying my actions. It was the most confusing time that ultimately led me to a life of joy and happiness. This post is going to be a glimpse into what I left behind.

My education on addiction pre-rehab was alarmingly little. I had no idea that I could have a brain aneurysm or overdose from Cocaine/MDMA. Fentanyl was just getting into the scene and I thank God every day that I got out when I did. I had this God complex that I see a lot of people have, this idea that it will never happen to me. I believed that because I looked like my shit was relatively together and physically I was in shape, I would never die from drugs. Even though I would wake up after some nights with blood on my face or had seizures, I STILL never thought it would get worse than that.

Finally, fear started kicking in 4 months before I went to treatment. I realized I truly couldn't stop and it was really starting to scare me. I began addiction counselling with the intention of still drinking but not doing drugs. I managed to stop doing cocaine for one month but quickly replaced it by snorting MDMA, thinking it was the lesser of two evils. I could barely have one drink without my mind being triggered to get drugs. My life was spiralling and the people around me were either leaving or scared of what was happening. 

When I think back on this time I always feel anxiety. The anxiety of still being up after a night out and the sun has come up knowing the party is going to end soon, not knowing how I was going to fall asleep, and stumbling home to my parent's house at 10:00 AM. I was aimlessly going through life feeling constantly anxious, scared, and unsure about how my life was going to unfold. These feelings haunt me to this day and I believe they keep me sober. I think of the saying, "Remeber When," often because I need to remember how bad it was. Obviously, there were times that it was fun but the fun quickly was trumped by my disease. The need for more, to control, to never stop. It was an endless cycle.

The further I went, the more delusional I became as a person. I actually convinced myself that I was good but in actual fact, I was a master liar and manipulator. I did this to loved ones, friends and my parents. I hated myself so much that I needed others to validate me and make me feel better. I was so mentally gone that I made decisions that I am not proud of. This is the part I feel the most shame around. I have made my peace with my past and I am okay with how I lived but working through the pain I caused people I cared for was the hardest. Through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have gotten to make amends to many of these people in my life. Some have been amazing, some refuse to see me. It is, unfortunately, a part of this disease that you will lose people in your life. It can be devastating and seemingly impossibly hard but I believe everything happens for a reason. There are people that are only meant to be in your life for a period of time and I have accepted that.  

Time can be an amazing healer. The longer you stay sober, the longer you can work through these internal issues. At the end of the day, I realized that I had a problem with myself. A spiritual defect that I was trying to mend with alcohol and drugs. Getting sober was the first step, after that, it is all about taking a look at your life and trying to see how you have lost yourself along the way. 

I am now almost two years sober and I feel like my heart is whole. It has taken time and patience but recovery is possible. I was lost for so long but I eventually found my way. It took me being open-minded to a life I never thought was meant for me. It took me being brutally honest with myself and uncovering many wounds that never healed. It took me accepting who I am and being proud of my journey into a healthy life.

There are still times where I feel lost and confused but I know that I have a solution to the ups and downs of life that isn't substances. I think back to what it was like and it reminds me of how far I have come. There is no instruction manual on how to live. I always thought things had to end up a certain way but if things had unfolded the way I thought they should, I would be in a very different place then I am now.

I always say that I never expected this to be my life but I am so grateful that it is!

xo 

 

 

 

F.E.A.R. F**K Everything And Run vs. Face Everything And Recover

Okay, this topic is HUGE for me. I used to think I was the most fearless human being on the face of the earth and could handle anything. My big fat ego would tell me that nothing could f**k with me and I was unstoppable. Boy was I wrong. For years my mind was running on autopilot and the only emotion controlling my brain was fear. I used substances to hide my fear, I ran from problems in relationships and I froze in situations that I couldn't handle. I was selfish, manipulative and indecisive all because I was afraid.

 

What was I afraid of?! I was afraid that if I chose one path it would ultimately lead to X, Y, and Z therefore meaning that I thought I could predict the future. I couldn't make a right decision if it was thrown right in front of my face all because I was scared of what would happen in the future.  I was afraid of failure therefore I never put any effort in to anything I did for example, school, or jobs. By not trying in school I always had the excuse when I didn't do well that I didn't really try so it wasn't a reflection of my intelligence. My greatest fear is my parents passing away. This fear is crippling for me. I am very attached to my parents and without them protecting me and loving me unconditionally I would not be where I am today. I am so lucky that I have two people in my life that I know will always be there for me. With this comes a huge attachment to how I feel about my ability to survive without them which leads to this manifestation of fear around them. This is where my ability to stay present in the moment and not worrying about the future comes in. With all of my fears I need to remember that I am the only person holding me back. I am the master of my own mind and I am no longer going to run away from what I am afraid of. Taking charge of your thoughts is easier said then done. It has taken me years to even narrow down what I truly am afraid of. Now that I know, I work at keeping these fears in check so they don't rule my life. I still have moments, even days when these issues come up for me but now I have the self awareness to recognize when this happens. I can realize that I am procrastinating not because I am lazy but because I am afraid that if I do the work I still won't be successful. I also see that when I am being indecisive it is not because I don't know what to do but because I am scared what may come from my decision.

 

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Trying to uncover your what you really are afraid of can be one of the most powerful tools to help you be successful in life. I am not talking about your fear of spiders, or of heights but those deep rooted fears that have been with you your whole life that hold you back. My time in sobriety has helped me figure out what my fears are. I have been given the opportunity to work on the mess hiding behind booze and drugs. I have slowly been piecing myself back together which takes time and patience. I don't think realizing your fears is just for people who have substance abuse problems, I think everyone would benefit from this. Everyone could use some self-reflection from time to time and it is important to be self-aware.

 

The acronyms in the title I feel are perfect for the true meanings of the word fear. I really did f**k everything and run but now I choose to face everything and recover. It is painful at times but I like to think of it as working out your brain. When you go to the gym you tear your muscles but then you rebuild even stronger muscles on top of those. It is the same as your brain, you face your fears and it may hurt at first but you get stronger because you had the courage to do so.

 

I would say that facing your fears would be the greatest gift you could give yourself. Honour your feelings, then accept that they are there, then move forward. Once you accept, you can let go. Letting go will give you peace of mind and you can live free from your fears!